Earlier this month, two young girls allegedly stabbed their friend nineteen times in an effort to please an internet urban legend known as Slender Man. Predictably, Glenn Beck was very alarmed by this since everything that ever happens always bears some deep social significance and must be taken as a sign that our culture is deeply sick and on the verge of collapse. As such, Beck and his staff have becomes obsessed with the story and are on the lookout for other possible Slender Man related crimes, such as an alleged attack carried out by another young girl on her mother earlier this week.
Beck and his staff discussed the Slender Man phenomenon during yesterday’s morning meeting where Beck diagnosed the problem as being rooted in the fact that people are just desperately trying to fill the holes in their empty souls with things like this.
“We’re starving to death,” Beck lectured his staff in a very world-weary manner. “Slender Man is filling a hole in people’s lives and what’s going to happen is people are going to start talking more and more about Slender Man and more and more people will go in and try to fill that hole with Slender Man because it’s new and it’s exciting and it’s different and it’s kind of on the edge.”
“We are all faceless,” Beck said. “We’re all worried that we’re being sucked into these woods, that we have no idea what’s in there”: