Paranoia-Rama: Nuclear War, Civil War & Cannibalism Coming To America

RWW’s Paranoia-Rama takes a look at five of the week’s most absurd conspiracy theories from the Right.

The prophets have spoken, and the news isn’t good for America. It turns out that war, terrorist attacks and a possible nuclear Armageddon are all on the horizon, and more likely than not it’s Obama’s fault.

5) God Permitting Terrorist Attacks

Texas pastor and Christians United For Israel founder John Hagee is so enraged by the Iranian nuclear accord that he claims it will turn God into a bitter enemy of America.

If the agreement is adopted, Hagee warned, God will remove his protective hand from the country and “allow terrorists to attack the United States of America.”

4) Gay Marriage Civil War

While Hagee is worried about God laying out the welcome mat for terrorists due to the Iran deal, fellow Texas preacher and self-proclaimed prophet Cindy Jacobs is concerned that the Supreme Court’s decision on gay marriage will lead to internal strife.

According to Jacobs, gay marriage will lead to such severe persecution of Christians that there will be increasing calls for states to secede, eventually leading to a civil war between the “sheep states” that follow God’s laws and the “goat states” that don’t.

3) “Nuclear Apocalypse”

Like Hagee, ex-Rep. Michele Bachmann is outraged about the Iran deal. However, she is also excited, because as Bachmann explained to Religious Right radio host Jan Markell, this deal is paving the way for the fulfillment of biblical prophecy about the End Times.

The former member of the House Intelligence Committee told listeners that they should feel “encouraged” and “privileged to live in” the Last Days, adding that the nuclear agreement “ ensures World War III” and the potential end of the world.

Markell was also optimistic, telling Bachmann that the accord will usher in “a nuclear apocalypse, the days of the Antichrist and the time of Jacob’s trouble.”

2) Cannibalism

Jim Bakker and Rick Wiles got together this week to discuss the usual matters, such as their impending imprisonment during the coming civil war and God’s use of Muslim “avengers” to murder Americans as punishment for the legalization of abortion.

But Bakker saw the bright side to this coming chaos, telling viewers to buy his survivalist food so they can still “have parties when the world is coming apart.” Bakker’s prepper food items, like a $960 bucket of pancakes or a $250 pizza bucket, will come in handy in the post-apocalyptic cities that the televangelist predicts will be ravaged by gangs who will be “eating bodies of the people they kill.”

1) God’s Gay Divorce

The prediction of America’s descent into cannibalism was only one of many paranoid claims made during Bakker’s interview with Wiles. The two also agreed that the Supreme Court’s ruling on gay marriage “sealed” America’s destruction.

While Bakker wondered if divine retribution for gay marriage would come in the form of solar flares or a nuclear EMP attack , Wiles made the case that all hope is lost for America. He revealed that God told him that while America was once married to God, God has now filed for divorce because the nation is “committing homosexual sex with another woman.”

He said, “America has dealt treacherously with me as a treacherous wife. And He said, “She wants what’s beautiful and good and then she began to commit adultery with other men and I forgave her, and she did it again and I forgave her, and she did it again and I forgave her, and she did it again and I forgave her. But now she’s committing homosexual sex with another woman and I cannot look at her anymore.’ He said, “I can’t even look at her, she’s not my wife anymore. The divorce is final.” He told me that on the day the U.S. Supreme Court ruled, God went to court too and he got a divorce.