On Friday we mentioned that we are reading through Todd Starnes’ genuinely awful new book “God Less America: Real Stories From the Front Lines of the Attack on Traditional Values” in which, in between collected tales of supposed Christian persecution and endless attempts to remind his reader just how much he loves the South, Starnes intersperses little fantasy vignettes about how President Obama is trying to literally turn himself into a god or, in the case of chapter 11, how the Supreme Court has legalized marriage between humans and animals.
In a chapter entitled “The Great Interspecies Marriage Act Of 2025,” Starnes mocks advances in marriage equality by penning a fake Associated Press article announcing that the Supreme Court has “legalized interspecies marriage” and that couples can now begin marrying at pet stores across the nation:
(AP) THE FUTURE – A divided Supreme Court finally legalized interspecies marriage, striking down a key section of a federal law that denied veterinary benefits to humans and pets, and marking what activists are calling the greatest civil rights ruling of the twenty-first century …The landmark ruling means that more than one hundred thousand human and animal couples who are legally married will be able to take advantage of tax breaks, pension rights, and other benefits that are available to other married couples … Pet stores in California, New York, and Illinois have already announced plans to begin issuing marriage licenses. The first couples to tie the knot will receive a lifelong supply of Kibbles & Bits or Meow Mix.
The White House tried to put religious groups at ease by suggesting marriage between species is not only constitutional, but also biblical.
“Don’t have a cow,” the White House press secretary told reporters. “Or do have a cow. That’s what so great about this nation. We are free to love whoever we choose to love. Marriage is a sacred union, whether it’s a man and a woman or a man and a man or a woman and a woman or a transgender and a transgender (which could technically be all of the above) or a man and a goat. God’s in the mix.”
The Almighty did not immediately respond to the White House statement, but in an unrelated incident, San Francisco was suddenly turned into a pillar of salt and the Vegas strip was burned to the ground during a freak lightning storm.