We know that many of you are probably exhausted after another year of fighting the “War on Christmas,” but pastor Robert Jeffress recently told us that President Donald Trump brought Christmas “back to the forefront of our country,” so that means that it’s time to release our annual Right Wing Watch holiday gift guide for the red-pilled.
This holiday season, The Daily Wire is selling an impeachment-themed sweatshirt depicting Trump as Santa Claus chortling the words “Hoax! Hoax! Hoax! Merry Christmas!” This item also features a few subtle design touches, including caricatures of Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren and the words “Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself” in small font on the bottom right-hand corner.
Once your loved one’s political foes cast their gazes upon this sweatshirt, their tear ducts will surely cascade. Thankfully, The Daily Wire also sells “Leftist Tears” tumblers to deal with the aftermath.
Finally, Headgear That Isn’t Tinfoil!
Despite another rough year of declining web traffic and investigative reporting detailing their site’s connections to white nationalism, the Breitbart News gang remains in festive spirits. For sale on their web store is a line of “Impeach Santa” merchandise meant to satirize the fact that their president is about to become only the third one to be impeached in American history.
“An elf overheard a reindeer who talked to a snowman who said Santa may or may not have cut a deal with the South Pole. IMPEACH SANTA!” the item description reads. And, of course, the merchandise is “Proudly Made in USA.”
This gift is perfect for the undeniably gaslit conservatives in your life who think this impeachment business is somehow great news for Trump.
A Collectors’ Item for the Real Fans
David Wohl, the father of famed right-wing activist Jacob Wohl, announced last month that he was selling a 2020 calendar of himself in sensual poses with right-wing social media personality Breck Worsham to benefit Wounded Warriors and the Gary Sinise Foundation. However, after a heap of public shame and the revelation that the Gary Sinise Foundation hadn’t been contacted by Wohl, it appears that the calendar is no longer for sale, making this gift a collectible.
The calendar originally retailed for $25, not including the price of therapist visits.
Perfect For the Prepper
Jim Bakker has been promising us for the last few decades that the End Times are just around the corner, so make sure your loved ones don’t miss out on his branded bucket of 229 servings of Christmas-related foods—after all, a biblical apocalypse is no reason not to celebrate the season!
With just water, your recipient will be able to prepare 17 varieties of food including buttermilk pancakes, spaghetti marinara, chili mix, and vanilla pudding.
“The Christmas Variety Bucket is truly a gift of life!” Bakker’s website proclaims. “Christ IS Christmas and Christmas IS the time for Giving. What better gift than something delicious that gives peace of mind in knowing that you are helping others prepare for emergencies!”
This bucket of 29,030 calories will last for 30 years, just in case Bakker’s predictions are wrong (again).
A Coloring Book About Tweets
Ed Martin and the Phyllis Schlafly Eagles have released a 24-page adult coloring book for the holiday season that features Christmas-related Trump tweets front and center. Scanning a QR code in the book will render a song called “Can’t Trump This Covfefe.”
The book’s description reads: “On May 31st, 2017, at 12:06AM, President Donald J. Trump posted a Tweet ending mysteriously with the word covfefe and that morning the nation went wild. No matter what side of the aisle, everyone seemed to have an opinion on covfefe. Ed Martin takes the reader on a Christmas journey featuring the most famous tweets from Donald Trump about Christmas.”
Despite the overtly pro-Trump theme and the fact it comes with a Trump ornament, the book promises it “sets politics aside in order to put the spotlight on Christmas.”
Wallnau’s Magic Coin
For $45, disgraced pastor Jim Bakker and Trump-loving right-wing activist Lance Wallnau will sell you a magic prayer coin “engraved with likeness of King Cyrus and President Donald Trump with the reminder of the Cyrus-Trump 70 year proclamation.” The coin is marketed as “a point of contact” with God that owners can use to pray for the president’s protection.
For $45, Lance Wallnau and Jim Bakker will sell you a Trump/Cyrus coin that you can use as a “point of contact” between you and God as you pray for Trump’s re-election in 2020. pic.twitter.com/EwKgGL7sNp
— Right Wing Watch (@RightWingWatch) May 14, 2019
Holy Plastic Beads
Our friends at Holy Love Ministries continue to offer up “The Most Powerful and Ultimate Weapon to End Abortion!” this holiday season: plastic rosaries featuring small fetuses in the womb as the beads. The manufacturers promise that one “UNBORN CHILD WILL BE SAVED with each loving ‘Hail Mary’ recited with this Rosary.”
The manufacturers of the rosaries say that they bridge the gap between Heaven and Earth; however, the supernatural promises of these prayer tools have been doubted by members of the Catholic Church and pro-life movement over the years.
Looks Great When Your Boss Asks You to Pack Up Your Desk
There is a seemingly endless supply of QAnon conspiracy theory merchandise available to purchase on the Etsy marketplace, ranging from vintage spoons to Christmas ornaments, but the items that caught our eye were the small QAnon-themed bronze sculptures for sale.
There appear to be several satisfied customers. On the seller’s review page, Barbara wrote that she placed her sculpture on the fireplace mantle. Joseph remarked that he thought the sculptures he purchased were going to look “amazing” in his office.
Wrapping Things Up…
Wrapping up this list, and all your holiday gifts, is the official Trump campaign wrapping paper. These $30 rolls of wrapping paper are only large enough to wrap approximately three “medium sized shirt boxes” according to the item listing, but what they lack in substance, we’re sure they make up for in style and estranged relatives.