Robert Knight of the American Civil Rights Union today penned an “if I were the devil” column, inspired by radio commentator Paul Harvey. As you probably already guessed, he claims Satan is pushing marriage equality to attack religious people, convinced the Boy Scouts to “commit suicide” by including openly gay scouts and expanded healthcare access through Obamacare.
Knight, while writing for the Unification Church-tied Washington Times, called the Episcopal Church a “subsidiary” of the Devil and claimed the government is becoming a Satanic tool to “throttle freedom of speech, religion and association,” to use same-sex marriage to “unleash the power of the state against all those ‘religious’ folks” and convinced the Boy Scouts to “commit suicide.”
If I were Beelzebub, I’d work to destroy Western civilization, because its chief religions, Christianity and Judaism, have a timeless book that reminds people of my existence. I’m most effective when unacknowledged.
To this end, I’m working to do away with institutions that are in the way of my goal of destroying humanity. These pesky confederations include churches, observant temples, private groups and governments that support so-called traditional values such as honor, fidelity in marriage, strong families, personal responsibility, civic pride, charity and patriotism.
When these things are compromised, I move on to the game board’s next square — economic freedom, which I cannot abide and which cannot thrive without the virtues imparted by those irritating groups just mentioned. For a look at one of my greatest successes, take a walk through what used to be Detroit.
Once free enterprise is broken to the saddle of the state, I can throttle freedom of speech, religion and association, using some of the giant corporations spawned in the unprecedented liberty created by America’s system of constitutional rights, including private property.
In fact, I used some of those firms just the other day to induce the Boy Scouts of America to commit suicide, one of my prized outcomes. Under corporate-donor pressure, the Scout leadership threw aside the common-sense rule preventing open expression of homosexuality. This pretty much did the trick in Canada. It may take a few years, but the Scouts in the United States are finished, believe me. If you like what you see in the inner cities among fatherless boys, you’ll thank me later.
In 1993, the Girl Scouts USA opened their leader ranks to lesbians and atheists and adopted a policy allowing girls to substitute “Allah” or “Buddha” or perhaps “Elvira” in the Girl Scout promise, “On my honor, I will try to serve God and my country.” Most of the girls and their local leaders peddling cookies are blissfully unaware of such fundamental ferment at the top, and I’m determined to keep it that way. So keep this under your hat, will you?
Other projects going smoothly include weeding Christians out of the U.S. armed forces, concentrating ever more power in Washington, D.C., through Obamacare, expanding the Infernal Revenue Service (no, it’s not a typo), opening the floodgates of pornography even wider, and pushing for universal preschool to get the tykes away from bothersome parents sooner.
Over the next couple of weeks, I’ll be finishing up perhaps my most important project since World War II: Using the Supreme Court to wreck the most vital, irreplaceable institution in society — marriage. If I can persuade one more justice that the Constitution harbors the “right” to abolish marriage through radical redefinition, I can unleash the power of the state against all those “religious” folks who cling to their, well, religion.
But not all of them.
One of my subsidiaries, the Episcopal Church USA, is doing marvelous work muddying up what the Bible clearly says is right and wrong. I’m thinking of upping their budget to purchase a new, improved smoke machine.