It has been quite a while since Glenn Beck has gone off on one of his trademark monologues in which he attempts to deliver some important lesson but merely ends up rambling incoherently, but today he delivered another classic when he spent an entire segment on his radio program ranting against hotel shampoo.
Beck dedicated literally 20 minutes to railing that the shampoo provided by hotels is now too fancy because it is infused with things like ginseng and wild mint when all it needs to do is simply clean hair. The entire performance was really an allegory for the current election, with Beck insisting that Donald Trump is just like this fancy shampoo, infused with the “essence” of things but containing no actual soap with which he can clean up Washington, D.C.
“He’s got maybe a little bit of aloe in him,” Beck said. “That green tea is so nice. And what is that green tea, what is that aloe? The aloe, the salve that he has an essence of, is anger. You’re angry, he’s angry; that’s a little salve on your frizzy ends of your hair, but it’s not really going to help because there’s not really enough aloe in the green tea and aloe shampoo to do a damn thing. It’s just to make you feel better, make you stand after the shower and go, ‘Oh my gosh, I have total well-being,’ and yet nothing has changed.”
“As you are looking at the candidates that you need to vote for, which one of them is soap and which one of them is providing you with ‘total well-being’?” Beck said, as he began to scream. “Which one of [them] is like this stupid little container of shampoo that pisses me off, that is trying to be something that it will never be and can never be? Shampoo is not made to provide anyone at any time, no matter how expensive or how good it is, it will never provide total well-being! Period!”
“Are we that shallow?” he asked. “Are we this stupid? I don’t want the essence of anything anymore, I want the real deal. I want soap!”